Jehovah's Witnesses?

A few days ago, a middle-aged couple came to my door. They were dressed in business atire and carrying pamphlets of all kinds. I was pretty sure they were Jehovah's Witnesses...until they started talking. The more I think about it, I have no idea who these people were. The more time I spent with them, the less religious they seemed.

AwakeThey gave me a magazine that looked similar to 'Awake'. I love it when the Witnesses give me a free copy of their magazine. Mostly because I love the paintings. I especially enjoy the post-apocalyptic, milenial joy and peace scenes. They always depict a group of multi-racial people at a picnic. There's a black woman in African garb with a tray of food, a middle-aged white couple talking to some Middle-Easterners, and a little Asian girl playing with a lion and a beach ball.

Back to the magazine. It was called 'Re-Awake'. Grammatically, that makes no sense. As I thumbed through it, I realized that not making sense was apparently the theme of the month. The stories had nothing to do with religion or anything else. The cover story, "Freak Baby Looks Like A Gecko" was just about some ugly kid and how everyone around him pretended he was normal and was really nice to him in case he develops wierd powers during adolescence that he could use to kill everyone. The other cover story, "The Best Movie Ever: Booty Call!" was also perplexing. It extolled the film's "brilliant cinematography, Oscar-worthy preformances and exquisite use of iambic pentameter". Do you remember any of those things being in Booty Call?

Gay TurkeyThe most confusing article was "Thanksgiving Focus: The Trouble with Gay Turkeys." If there were a pulitzer given under the category of 'What the ****!?!?!?", this article would win. I looked at the title and thought, "Will it be about a decline in the turkey population due to gay turkeys not procreating? Will it be about tainted gay turkey meat that turns consumers gay when they eat it? Could it be about gay turkeys getting in fights and clawing each others eyes out?" It wasn't about any of those things. It documented the struggle of one South Dakota turkey farmer who was having problems with demands made by gay turkeys. The turkeys demanded that everything be fabulous. They decided that brown feathers were "too drab and frumpy" so they dyed their feathers all the colors of the rainbow. The dye is expensive and difficult to use. There enters the trouble. If you want only premium gay turkey meat for your family this Thanksgiving, expect to pay up to $6.00 per pound.

The advertisements were unfathomable. I say unfathomable because I couldn't figure out who they were targeting in their ad campaigns. There was a 2-page spread on the book: 'How to Survive a Robot Uprising'. Why, oh why did the scientists ever invent killer robots? Do you know the fool-proof way to stop them? Do you know the secret that will make robots fear you? No. Well, buy the book! Another prominently featured product was the Do-It-Youself Back Hair Shaver. Wow. That is one fine piece of engineering. With swimsuit season only 8 months away, this is a must have.

Even though I spent an evening in utter confusion trying to understand the magazine and why it exists, I hope they come back and give me another one. Even if they're religiously "uinque", but not if they have a pyramid scheme.

November 2007