Health Care Reform Translator

The issue of health care reform has caused a lot of debate. It's become very devisive, and I think that's because people don't understand each other. So I have created a translator that will allow to know what everyone is hearing.

Statement: "Welcome to tonight's town hall meeting"

What people hear: "I want to outlaw guns. If I get my way, all of your guns will be taken away."


Statement: "If you like your health care plan, you can keep your health care plan."

What people hear: "The government is completely taking over health care. You will no longer be able to make choices concerning your health. I hope you're not too sick because the death panels will deny medical coverage and let you die in the dumpster behind Arby's. Also, I smoke crack and worship the devil."


Statement: "Actually, members of Congress choose from the same health care plans as any other federal employee and their deal is no better than the janitor that cleans their offices."

What people hear: "If you go to the emergency room, you'll need to wait 4-36 hours for treatment. If you need a surgery, you'll have to wait about 42 weeks. While you're waiting, monkeys will attack and rape you repeatedly. AIDS contracted from monkeys is not covered in the new health care plan."


Statement: "I suffer no illusions that this will be an easy process. It will be hard. But I also know that nearly a century after Teddy Roosevelt first called for reform, the cost of our health care has weighed down our economy and the conscience of our nation long enough. So let there be no doubt: health care reform cannot wait, it must not wait, and it will not wait another year."

What people hear: "I'm going to set up a communist totalitarian regime. So totalitarian it will make the U.S.S.R. seem like a tea party with Rainbow Brite. You will have to wait in line for toilet paper. Your homes will only have electricity for 6 hours each week. Your legal name will be taken away and replaced by a computer generated serial number. For instance, if your name is Robert Beck your new name will be MQR-51639L87."


Statement: "I just want to assure you we're not talking about cutting Medicare benefits."

What people hear: "The Medicare program has already been canceled. The money used to fund medicare will now be used to fund naked art, abortion clinics and the American Atheist Society."


Statement: "What is your question, sir?"

What people hear: "I think your stupid because I am an eletist snob. Since I'm just going to lie to you when I answer your question, you might as well become indignant and make incoherent statements about President Obama that don't relate to health care.


Statement: "Here at [Any Insurance Company], we strive to bring you the best medical care possible."

What they mean to say: "We don't care about you. When you become unprofitable, we will deny coverage. Now, pay your premiums!"

June 2010