Things I Want Everyone To Know

This may come off as condescending, but there are some things that I get tired of explaining over and over. Just know these things and I won't have to argue with you anymore. Think of this as a PSA.

Columbus: "Rouge is stupid awesome."

People at the time of Columbus did not think the world was flat

The argument made against Columbus was that he had underestimated the circumference of the earth. His plan was to sail from Spain to Japan. Many in the royal court told him that was too far and that he would not be able to pack enough food, water, booze and rouge to get there. Turns out they were right. Had the Americas not been in the way, his crew would have died thirsty, sober and rougeless. Luckily, the Americas were there and the Spanish Empire was able to screw over its inhabitants.


Some of the Founding Fathers were not as Christian as you might think

I have encountered an odd belief that all the founding fathers were uber-Christians who wrote the Constitution as it was dictated to them by the mouths of Seraphim who descended to the Continental Congress on a cloud of glory. I'm not sure why people think this because there is a lot of evidence to suggest that several of them were not really Christian.

Thomas Jefferson: Genius, un-Christian and Jungle FeveryThomas Jefferson: Genius, un-Christian and Jungle Fevery

Some not-really-Christians include Benjamin Frankiln, James Madison, John Adams, Thomas Paine, Ethan Allen and Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson was very critical of Christianity and wrote:

"And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerve in the brain of Jupiter. But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors."
-Thomas Jefferson, Letter to John Adams, April 11, 1823

Jefferson believed that a lot of what was written in the Gospels was completely made up so he edited the Gospels by removing all reference to divinity or supernatural occurrences. We call it the Jefferson Bible. Find it at your local library, it's blasphem-a-riffic.


This didn't happenThis didn't happen

The theory of evolution does not say we evolved from monkeys

"Darwin is a godless monster for saying that we came from monkeys! I mean, if we evolved from monkeys, why aren't there any intermediate man-monkeys today?" said a person who doesn't know what they're talking about.

Darwin's concept of evolution was not that we evolved from monkeys, but that our evolution was parallel to theirs and that we had a common ancestor. It explains why we all have opposible thumbs, similar skeletal structures and a tendency to scratch our butts. It also explains why children fling poo.


A theory is more than an idea


Hitler was not a socialist

During the Town Hall Meeting Fiascos of aught-nine, protesters, who are not historians, tried to make a case as follows: Hitler was a socialist, Obama is a socialist, therefore Obama=Hitler. The problem is Hitler was a Facist and Obama is a Democrat.

Misinformed people, like Glenn Beck, point out that the name of Hitler's party was the National Socialist German Workers? Party (Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei) to 'prove' that he was a socialist. Hitler could have been a member of the Happy Time Cake Baking Party (Frohlichezeit Kuchenbackenpartei) and that wouldn't have changed the fact that he was a fascist.

What's the difference between fascism and socialism?

a governmental system led by a dictator having complete power, forcibly suppressing opposition and criticism, regimenting all industry, commerce, etc., and emphasizing an aggressive nationalism and often racism.
i.e. Hitler

a theory or system of social organization that advocates the vesting of the ownership and control of the means of production and distribution, of capital, land, etc., in the community as a whole.
i.e. not at all Hitler


Tea Parties are stupid

I'm not talking about British tea parties, I find them quaint and charming. I'm referring to recent Boston Tea Party spoof tax protests. It may seem like I'm just expressing an opinion, but comparing these protests to the Boston Tea Party is seriously flawed at best and utterly retarded in reality.



Boston Tea Party- No taxation without representation

They had no representation, literally. There were no American members of parliment. There was no one to argue for issues that Americans faced. They had no input into the workings of the British Empire.

I don't understand the concept of taxationI don't understand the concept of taxation

Modern Tea Party

No taxation without representation?
All of the protestors have representation. They may not like their representation, but they have it. They are just bitter because they voted for the Crypt Keeper and the Not-Tina-Fey, but Lefty-Black-Guy and Puts-His-Foot-in-his-Mouth won. Unlike the Bostonians, the protestors were allowed to vote and express their concerns to government officials.


Siddhartha, not the fat oneSiddhartha, not the fat one

Buddhists don't worship Buddha

In fact, Buddhists don't worship anything. Take that, theism! They really don't believe in the god concept that many other religions adhere to.

I would also like to point out that Buddha is not a name, it's a title. Having the title means that you are enlightened. The first Buddha was named Siddhartha Gautama and he wasn't fat.


Sushi is not raw fish

Sashimi is raw fish. Sushi is just rice that has been prepared with rice vinegar, sugar and salt. Sashimi is often paired with sushi, but you can eat sushi without having raw fish. Some people say the idea of eating raw fish is disgusting, yet those people will eat hot dogs.

February 2009