The Oscars: Gay Super Bowl

Super Bowl The Oscars
Sports casters tell back stories of athletes, bits of interviews, players say things like, "We've been working really hard all season and we're here to win this thing!" Gossip journalists talking to stars, stars say things like "This is my first nomination, I'm just so excited to be here, I'm wearing Vera Wang."
Pre-show analysis
"Well, [team A] has had an unbeatable defense all season, I'm not sure [team B] can really break through that defensive wall." "Ok, so, [movie A] had such an amazing plot and cinematography, but [movie B] had such incredible acting."
"Got all my favorites here: chili, pizza rolls, pork rinds, nachos, taquitos, pizza and beer." "Mmmm...Steve! This creme brulee you brought is faaaabulous!"
During the show
Sports casters tell you what you're watching, say obvious things, and blabber to fill time. Hosts tell you what you're watching, make terrible jokes, but sometimes do sensational musical numbers.
"What the ****! How did you miss that pass! I bet $400 on this game!" "This is Marisa Tomei all over again...sigh."
"Oh...oh...yes! Wooooooooooo! "Oh, she totally deserved it, I've thought she was fantastic for years. They'd be crazy not to give her one."
Men playing on the field spank each other. Men watching at home spank each other.
Players say incoherent things about the game and thank their mothers and God. Actors say incoherent things about their movie and thank their mothers and God.
Post-show analysis
People spend days discussing the plays and what went wrong and why that quarterback is a crapbag. People spend days discussing outfits and how that one actor was robbed and that the whole thing was rigged.