5 Superfoods you should eat everyday!
Did you know that one blueberry has as many polypheromones as 40 pounds of beets? Well, it does. And that crapton of polypheromones will ward off cancer, cure diabetes and make your farts smell like a lilac covered cheeseburger in a new car. In fact, fitness guru Jack LaLanne was erroneously quoted as saying, "Blueberries? Of course I eat blueberries. Hell yes, blueberries are the cat's meow! I put them in my fantastic Jack Lalanne juicer!"
Eat them everyday, unless you want to die at age 34. They are always inexpensive and in season.
Have you ever seen a horse with Leukemia? The answer is no. It is scientifically proven that oats and Leukemia can not be in the same place at the same time. Do you have Leukemia but don't want to eat oatmeal because it's boring? It's true that oatmeal is the food equivalent of watching other people play video games, but you can jazz it up by adding sugar, high fructose corn syrup, MSG or Jamaican Jerk. It's a very popular breakfast food worldwide. In fact, actor/politician/bodybuilder/sex addict Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "We always had oatmeal for breakfast when I was young. I remember my mother telling me that if I didn't finish my oatmeal, Hitler would come back. I sure do miss her."
Eat oats everyday and you'll also have good poops.
3. Sweet Potatoes
Sweet potatoes provide a transcendent mix of flavors: sweet, potatoe-y, orange-brown. If that's not enough, sweet potatoes also contain high concentrations of vitamin B17 (eyelid function), vitamin H (larynx flexibility) and thorium (doesn't damage teeth). Iron Chef devotees will remember that sweet potatoes are a favorite of First Lady Michelle Obama. Mrs. Obama believes they are excellent for overall health, for throwing at White House staffers and that the many vitamins "allow [her] to cope with all the lies Rush Limbaugh tells about [her]."
They can be mashed, made into fries, put in a pie or even deep fried in partially hydrogenated soybean oil. There isn't any reason to not be eating them everyday.
4. Brazil Nuts
Would you like to be tall and tan and young and lovely? You can become the Girl from Ipanema by eating just a few brazil nuts each day. That's right, Brazil has more to offer than just horrifying slums and topless women 'dressed' in feathers. This tree nut is high in polydissatured fats and has as much selenium as 16 kittens.
Some stupid jerks say that Brazil Nuts contain radium, but what they don't know is that radium is ok for you. See what Dr. Flavius Augustus Hildegard said in his 1863 book entitled, "Foodstuffs of the World". "There are many nutrients that we know little about. However, we know that Mother Nature created them in abundance. Nutrients such as calcium, radium and heroine are meant to be consumed. Else why does Mother Nature provide them?"
Eat a few nuts each day, but don't ask the elderly what they call them.
Having trouble eating your spinach? Here's a tip from celebrity trainer Jillian Michaels: "I like to put spinach in my smoothies. Yeah, spinach, whey protein, skim milk and a little estrogen to keep my facial hair under control. Eat spinach or I'll punch you IN YOUR JUNK!" Spinach has a lot of iron in it and that's good for you. Especially if you're a woman. Women need more iron because of...that monthly thing. Plus, we all know how great spinach was for Popeye. So if you want forearms the size of cow torsos and a girlfriend whose face would cause lesser men to sink into an abyss of woeful despair then eat spinach.
Like the oatmeal, eating it everyday will result in some epic poops.