B Movie List-o-Rama!

My Top 5
#1 Ruben and Ed (1991)
This might be my favorite B movie. It's the story of a freak guy who is trying to bury his dead cat. It stars Crispin Glover, I can't imagine him playing a freak. He wears platform shoes that double as a secret weapon. There's a brilliant dream sequence, possibly the best ever made. There are also continual references to Andy Warhol. Sadly, it is very difficult to find.
#2 A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1985)
The best thing about this film is that it knows it's a B movie. It's the story of a vampire who is too scared to suck blood, he thinks it's gross. He has a zany adventure and falls in love along the way. It has many notable features such as "poetic liscence", a Queerwolf and a skeleton make-out scene.
#3 Elvira Mistress of the Dark (1988)
This is a classic movie. Everyone loves Elvira and this is her stupendous full length feature film. After her aunt dies, Elvira goes to the small town where her aunt lived to collect her inheritance. She finds herself caught up in a battle with her uncle over a 'cookbook', in trouble with the town's Morality Club and having to fight off men who are astounded by her...wit. Great line: "When I leave I want to be remembered by two simple words. I don't care which two, just as long as there are two and they're simple."
Pretty much every scene has cleavage, which is a 'huge' plus.
#4 Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
The title says it all. This is the Quintessential 80's B movie. Klowns land in a Big-Top space ship. They proceed to abduct people, wrap them in cotton candy cacoons and suck out their juices. It's loaded with circusy goodness.
#5 Good Burger (1997)
I'm not really sure this is a B movie. I know very few people who have actually seen it and that is a tragedy. Good Burger is really funny. The premise is far-fetched, but it makes for a humorous adventure. I always laugh when I hear "Did you get bit by a goat?"


Other Great Finds: Watch these with friends so you can make fun.
Spice World (1998)
This movie follows simple logic. Clearly, the Spice Girls have awesome music, therefore a Spice Girls movie would be unbelievably incredible. It's not so much a movie as it is a bunch of random stuff strung together. It has Roger Moore in it, he makes a lot of James Bond references. There is a great line that actually sums up the whole movie. During a rehearsal one of the their managers says, "That was absolutley perfect without actually being good."
Dracula 3000 (2004)
Yeah! Sci-fi Dracula! The crew of a cargo ship believes they are carrying the coffin of an "alien"-but it's dracula. I learned a lot from this movie: Casper van Dien still can't act, Erika Elaniak's career is going downhill and genre crossovers rock.
Dead Alive (1992)
This is the only movie that has ever made me dry heave. Not because it was bad, it's just insanely gory. However, it's still a lot of fun to watch. There are zombies and an underdog to cheer for. It was directed by Peter Jackson before he was famous.
Hercules (1984)
This one stars Lou Ferrigno and it's pretty amusing. The writers took a lot of liberites in making up Greek myth. There are a lot of 'high-tech' special effects. Plus, Lou Ferrigno is in it and he's hilarious.
Starting Again (1994)
The Joan and Melissa Rivers Story, starring Joan and Melissa Rivers. Yes, it's ridiculous. It's also really funny and not because Joan is a good comedianne. I'm just surprised they would make a movie about themselves as if everyone wanted to know about their personal lives.
The Wickeds (2005)
The Queen Mother of terrible zombie movies. Ron Jeremy is one the actors. Don't worry, it's not that kind of movie. His best line is, "It's important to take time to stop and smell the flowers". He said this while being chased by zombies.
Krull (1983)
The first time I saw this I was about 5 years old. Krull is pretty freakin' amazing if you're 5. As an adult it's just a mystical, magical, cheesy kind of amusing.
Saturday the 14th (1981)
I think this movie might be a spoof of Friday the 13th. This is one of those gems filled with puns, ridiculous wordplay and campy props. The final standoff between a young boy and an evil vampire is absolutely brilliant. One of my favorite sequences:
"Did you wash your hands?"
"Did you use soap?"
"Did you wash the soap before you used it to wash your hands?"
Earth Girls are Easy (1989)
There are a lot of famous people in this movie, at least they're famous now. Geena Davis, Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans act out the story of 3 aliens who crash land in the pool of a 'down on her luck' woman. Also, it's a musical. The musical numbers are hugely over-the-top and genius. It's a warm, fuzzy, feel-good movie.
Hercules in New York (1970)
This is Arnold's first American film. It's flabbergastingly ridiculous. In one scene, Hercules fights with a bear in Central Park. There was no attempt to make the bear seem real, it was obviously a man in a poorly made bear suit. It comes dubbed and undubbed (in case you want to try to understand Arnold's hideous English).
Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1988)
Once you get over the bizarrity of the title it's actually a very funny movie. After several men disappear in the savage avocado jungle of California, the government sends a feminist anthropologist to put a stop to the evil cannibal women who threaten the world's avacado supply. Bill Maher plays a shallow yet loveable character.
Incubus (1965)
A true original. Not because of it's brilliant plot or cinematography, but because the script is entirely in Esperanto. It stars a pre-Star Trek William Shatner who is trying to save his sister from the evil Incubus. The ending is absolutely terrible. The film was actually lost for a number a years. It was recently rediscovered in France and digitally restored by the Sci-Fi channel. It's one of the few cult classics for Esperanto enthusiasts. Ĉu vi parolas Esperanton?
Leprechaun (1993)
One of Jennifer Aniston's first films, Leprechaun is simply awesome. It is excellent at warning people that Lepracauns are actually evil jerks and if you make a wish you'll be screwed. Jen does a really great stereotypical snooty California girl who is stupid. The movie in general has really 'good' writing.
Spaced Invaders (1990)
This was probably my favorite movie when I was in the 5th grade. A group of dim-witted martians get confused and invade Earth. There are aliens and stuff exploding. I rented it over and over agian, I'm sure my parents were thrilled.
Illegal Aliens (2006)
Sadly, this was Anna Nicole Smith's final film. Her acting skills are 'amazing' and she will be missed. She was able to deliver so many memorable lines such as, "Wow, turning into a helicopter did cure my hiccups." It's somewhat of a Charlie's Angels spoof, but with Aliens. Chyna, the wrestler, plays the villian and I was actually surprised by her acting abilities. Also surprising is that Anna Nicole Smith was in a movie with no nudity. Maybe she became amish or something.
Cage (1989)
You can't go wrong with Lou Ferrigno. He plays a guy who was shot in the head and is now an idiot. A super buff idiot. He gets forced into maffia style cage fighting and must make a difficult choice when he is forced to fight his best friend. There's a lot of beating and violence and good triumphs over evil. All is right with the world. Also, it stars that guy from Space Mutiny (MST3K).
My Demon Lover (1987)
Basically it's about a guy who turns into a demon. He turns because, as a teenager, he was making out with a girl whose mom was a magical gypsy witch type lady. She gets mad and curses him so that whenever he gets turned on he becomes a demon with wings, fangs and everything. The problem is he falls in love and must find a way to undo the curse. The good thing is the movie doesn't pretend it's academy award material.
Movies That Will Make You Suffer:
Cornman: American Vegetble Hero (2001)
This flick is inexcusably bad. If you gave some 13 year-olds a camera and a budget, you'd get something resembling Cornman. I made through about 45 minutes.
Girlfriend from Hell (1991)
This is another movie with an obvious title. A girlfriend...from Hell. Most of the movie is really dull. However, there is a scene with some nuns and machine guns that makes it all worthwhile. Rent it. After the nun part, shut it off.
Ice Spiders (2007)
Whoever wrote this movie should be punished. Stupid!!! It contains the extra tired cliche of Scientist: smart but crazy and Military: dumb and bloodthirsty. It says it stars Vanessa Williams. It does, just not the famous Vanessa Williams.

It's been years since I've seen most of these movies. In making this list I realized I wanted to watch a few of them again. That's the joy of B movies. No matter how many times you watch them, they're still not that good. But to quote Reading Rainbow's LeVar Burton, "Don't take my word for it!" See if you enjoy these films as much as I do.

April 2008