Ask Robert

 

Magical in Moscow

Dear Robert
I don't really have a question, more of a warning. I have written a piece of music, Mysterium, with mystical powers endowed in every pitch. When I play it, I will die and the apocalypse will come. I just thought all of your readers should know about the impending doom.
Magical in Moscow

Dear Magical in Moscow,
Thanks. I'm really glad you told everyone about that. I'm sure we're all very concerned. Music that is also magical is just really interesting. I have a question, however. Why write music that causes the apocalypse? If I could write magical music, it would be a piece that could get the evil Serpent Kings of Movanmor out of my privy. Everyone else in my house says they don't see the Serpent Kings. I swear everyone in my family is blind.
Robert Schumann

 

Pissed off in Paris

Dear Robert
I recently attended a Soiree du Salon and over heard some people talking about me. They had no idea I was there because I was hiding behind a topiary. They said my music was all a big joke and no one would ever take it seriously. They also made fun of my gray velvet suites saying I looked like some kind of lugubrious peach. It really hurt my feelings. I shouldn't care what others think, how do I get over this?
Pissed off in Paris

Dear Pissed off,
Don't believe everything people say. Sometimes people say things they don't even understand. Once my wife bought a straight jacket for me and said they were all the rage in Berlin. "Everyone will be wearing them," she said. I never saw anyone else wearing a straight jacket. Sometimes I think she's nuts. Most people say bad things about others because they are jealous. It's not like you have gone and done something ridiculous such as writing music about sea cucumbers.
Robert Schumann

 

Guilt ridden in Rome

Dear Robert,
I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. I've spent my life composing unnecessarily complicated piano pieces and performing them throughout Europe. But lately, I feel like I have a calling. I want to become a priest. I'm afraid I may not be able to do that. You see, I've been with a lot of women, a lot of women. I'm not even sure how many. Do you think the church would let me be a clergyman after all that meaningless fornication?
Guilt ridden in Rome

Dear Guilt-Ridden,
I don't see why not. If Pope Alexander VI can have four children, I think you can be a priest. That is, as long as you never married any of the saucy tarts you had relations with. Keep in mind that you will have problems reconciling your old life with your new life. There might be days when you'll wonder if you're schizophrenic!
Robert Schumann

 

Worried in Vienna

Dear Robert,
I would say that I've had a pretty good life. I have rich friends who encourage me to write songs and perform them in their parlors-I've written hundreds of them. Things have been going quite well, until recently. I've just learned that I have syphilis. Do you think everyone will judge me? I want to be remembered by my songs, not the horrible STD I contracted through drunken carelessness.
Worried in Vienna

Dear Worried,
You have nothing to worry about. There are three things that most composers have in common: excessive drinking, womanizing and STDs. It's not like the combination of the three will drive you to insanity, forcing you to die alone in a mental institution. I only know a few composers who don't have the same problems you do and they just sit around re-harmonizing Lutheran Chorales. What kind of a life is that?
Robert Schumann

 

God's Gift to the World in Beyreuth

Dear Robert,
I'll be honest-there is a certain ethnicity of people that I don't care for. The problem is there is a composer whose music I really like, but he is that certain ethnicity. Since I am the greatest composer ever, I feel I need to reconcile this gap in my feelings. Should I hate his music because of his ethnicity, or like his music secretly and just say bad things about him and his kind.
God's Gift to the World in Beyreuth

Dear God's Gift,
You are a horrible person. I'll bet your music is excessively lengthy and nonsensical. I could imagine you composing an opera that lasts 15 hours, has incredibly overdone singing and is a self-indulgent trip to nowhere. Maybe instead of judging people on their ethnicity you should do the world a favor and jump into the Rhine River!
Robert Schumann

 

Confused in Vienna

Dear Robert,
I recently realized that I am madly in love with my best friend's wife. I know it's wrong, but every time I see her I can't help but fantasize about what could be. I don't dare do anything, you see my friend is a little "unstable". I don't want to push him over the edge. What do I do?
Confused in Vienna

Dear Confused,
It doesn't matter that your friend is unstable, it's always wrong to go after your friend's wife. I suggest that you avoid her as much as possible. You may also want to explore some kind of outlet for your feelings. Perhaps poetry, painting, or composing over-the-top art songs full of angst and self-loathing.
Robert Schumann