We Need to Change Santa

I realize that Santa is supposed to be jolly and bowl full of jelly-like, but I think it's gone too far. Santa is far too kind and forgiving. Jolly old Saint Nick is clearly a way to control children's behavior during the holiday season. Our parents all told us that if we were not good Santa wouldn't bring us any presents. Most kids never believe their parents and if they do it doesn't last long. Since we can't beat kids anymore Santa needs to be harsher.

A mean Santa would be great for 3 reasons

  1. Kids would know that when adults make threats they mean it.
  2. Children would believe in Santa longer if he were a jerk. The longer they believe the longer we can control them.
  3. Mean Santa would give a boost to the sagging coal market.

How can we redesign Santa? What kind of prestigious think tank would be required to recreate such a beloved icon? It's simple. We just have to look into history. Santa is a product of Germanic folklore. Prior to Christianity, Germanic peoples celebrated Yule. It was believed that during Yule the God Odin would have a large hunting party. During this party children would put their shoes out and fill them with straw, carrots or sugar as food for Odins flying horses. They did this to stop Odin from ripping their souls out, as he was known to do. Odin sometimes rewarded the children by replacing the fodder with candy or by not killing them. After Christianity, Odin was fused with Saint Nicholas and eventually become Santa Claus.

This seems all good and happy, but there is a dark side to this tale. In much of the folklore, Santa had an evil sidekick of sorts-Knecht Ruprecht. He punished wicked children while Santa gave gifts to good children. Legends vary on just how evil Knecht Ruprecht was. He is often portrayed as carrying whips, chains or other torture devices. In other legends he is a serpent-like creature that sneaks into houses, disembowels children and stuffs their lifeless bodies in the flue of the chimney. I suggest we reincorporate Knecht Ruprecht in modern holiday traditions. Not the disemboweling Knecht, the whip Knecht. I think we should actually fuse Santa and Ruprecht. He could be called Knechta Claus or Santa Precht. He could keep the outfit and the beard. He could still be morbidly obese for all I care. As long as he posseses some terrifying characteristics that will keep kids under control. He could carry a whip and maybe vomit maggots or something. Oh, his reindeer could also breathe fire. We can work out the details. I simply think this merger is a necessary step to control our youth. Please write your congressmen and let them know you want to change Santa.


Below is an artist's rendering of the differnce between current Santa and Mean Santa. (Rollover to check it out)


December 2005